Boundary setting is always an important conversation, but it is even more so as we head into the holiday season. With more time around family, less structure and distance than usual, and maybe even more stress, we may find that we need to hold those boundaries a little firmer.
Here are 5 ways that yoga can help us understand, cultivate, and uphold better boundaries.
1. Respecting your Body's Boundaries
Yoga Asana (poses) are a good opportunity to learn how to respect our own boundaries. Our bodies are constantly communicating with us, but unfortunately, it's not always easy to listen to those messages. We may try to contort ourselves into positions that aren't right for us, which can lead to pain, injuries, and frustration. Over time, we can learn how to respect when our bodies say "No", without pushing or shaming ourselves into caving in.
Translating this to a real-world scenario, we can start to get clearer on when others are crossing our boundaries by recognising that feeling of resistance when something isn't quite right. Equally as important, we can become more confident in respecting other people's boundaries.
2. Tolerating Discomfort
Yoga practice sometimes asks us to get a little bit uncomfortable, both in asana and meditation. There is a fine line that we walk here, where we learn the difference between a safe challenge and going too far. Having boundaries with ourselves is an important foundation for us to then be able to explore discomfort.
Practicing discomfort in controlled conditions (like in yoga) equips us to deal with it better in the wild, and boundary work can definitely get uncomfortable!
3. Mindful Awareness
Boundary setting can be really emotionally charged. Yelling at someone when they've upset you isn't setting a boundary, nor is it generally very productive (though I'll admit there may be circumstances that it is the right choice). But in general, boundaries are most effective when they are calmly and clearly communicated ahead of time. Mindfulness can help us take a step back from a situation so that we can see it clearly before we make a decision. Cultivating the skill of mindfulness through yoga can build that muscle so it's easier to draw on in those tense situations.
4. Svadhyaya: Self-Study
The fourth Niyama in Patanjali's Yoga Sutras is Svadhyaya, which can be translated into self-study. While it is often used to mean the study of scriptures, it can also be used in reference to self-reflection. Developing a deeper understanding of ourselves and our needs is the road to knowing what our needs are, and how the right boundaries could help serve those needs. This might mean understanding triggers, sensory needs, energy levels, relationships, and patterns of responding. Engaging in a process of self-reflection and self-study through yoga can bring this understanding to light, and help give clarity to the boundary building process.
5. Self-Compassion
While self-compassion isn't an explicit part of yoga tradition per se, there are a number of studies that show that yoga is associated with self-compassion, and can even increase levels of self-compassion. Self-compassion has a tender side that can comfort and soothe us when boundaries are crossed or when we're put in difficult situations. But self-compassion also has a fierce side that can protect and motivate us, much like a mumma bear can jump into action to stand up for her babies! Self-compassion can give us the resources to courageously, authentically, and compassionately set and uphold important boundaries, and yoga may be a practice that helps us to cultivate these resources.
Some extra boundary building tips:
Work within your circle of control. Rather than saying "You can't speak to me like that", try "I will not allow you to speak to me like that"
Clearly explain the consequence of the boundary being crossed. For example: "If you speak to me like that, I will leave"
You can give a reason for your boundary, but don't spend time justifying it. For example: "This topic makes me uncomfortable, so I will not talk about it"
Have some phrases ready to go, and practice them in advance if you feel uncomfortable. Things like: "I can see you're really worked up about this, but I'm not the right person to be hearing about it" or "I don't think we're going to see eye-to-eye on this topic, let's change the subject" or "I'd love to come to your party for a couple hours, but then I'll need to head home"